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French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts

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ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squeeze out mustard.  “We asked customers for their best memories of our condiments,” Armbruster said. “And the overwhelming majority were stories of fighting with siblings […]

The post French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts appeared first on The Beaverton.



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emerymat
13 days ago
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Vancouver, BC, Canada
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Which of these boiled hams will the Ontario Liberals choose for their next leader?

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TORONTO – After a disastrous showing in the last provincial election, political analysts are eager to see which out of a growing shortlist of boiled hams the Ontario Liberal Party will choose as their next leader. “We’re assembling a diverse group of candidates Ontarians will be excited about,” said a Ontario Liberal Party Spokesperson, referring […]

The post Which of these boiled hams will the Ontario Liberals choose for their next leader? appeared first on The Beaverton.



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emerymat
16 days ago
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Vancouver, BC, Canada
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Canadians hoping Musk will buy Bell and Rogers next

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OTTAWA – As Elon Musk completes his unintentional mission to reduce twitter, which he bought for 44 billion dollars, to a pile of smoldering ash, Canadians are hoping his next investment will be our big telecoms. “Musk took a incredibly healthy albeit problematic company with hundreds of millions of users and reduced it to ash […]

The post Canadians hoping Musk will buy Bell and Rogers next appeared first on The Beaverton.



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emerymat
16 days ago
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Vancouver, BC, Canada
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New bird added to endangered species list

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Experts agree this species will almost certainly become extinct due to human activity, in this case the activity of a single human.

The post New bird added to endangered species list appeared first on The Beaverton.



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emerymat
16 days ago
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Vancouver, BC, Canada
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The Best Artificial Christmas Tree

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We’ve set up enough artificial Christmas trees to know that with care, decoration, and attention to detail, many of them can look beautiful. National Tree Company’s 7.5-foot Feel Real Downswept Douglas Fir stands out as a realistic, competitively priced, versatile, and attractive option that we recommend first among the dozen-plus trees we’ve tried since 2016. But with experience, we’ve also come to recognize that there’s no single “best” artificial tree out there. Our goal is to introduce you to reliable manufacturers, and our picks are among their best examples.

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emerymat
26 days ago
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Vancouver, BC, Canada
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Report: The only thing that loves you unconditionally also loves licking its own butthole

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VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia Faculty of Science report that the only thing that loves you without question feels the same way about tonguing its tuchus. The experiment, dubbed Project Rosebud, started by ruling out anything that may love us as much as our canine companions. “First, we eliminated the obvious”, […]

The post Report: The only thing that loves you unconditionally also loves licking its own butthole appeared first on The Beaverton.



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emerymat
28 days ago
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Vancouver, BC, Canada
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