Stratford, ON – Local man Eric Morgenstern will once again be spending his summer thinking of reasons why he can’t join friends on their upcoming camping trips. “Life would be so much easier if I could just admit that I don’t want to poo outside and wage futile war against the mosquito population for seven […]

The post Canadian man spends entire summer inventing excuses for why he can’t go camping appeared first on The Beaverton.

CAMROSE, AB ― Lunchroom sources have confirmed that the Pride-themed doughnut you brought from work for your transgender daughter is making for a welcome break from her usual daily routine of being taunted, deadnamed, threatened, and beaten.  The doughnuts were handed out free to you and your coworkers, most of whom regularly vote for politicians […]

The post Report: Rainbow doughnuts from your workplace really brightening bullied trans child’s day appeared first on The Beaverton.

NOTE: The author of this op-ed has requested to remain anonymous (But not because I’m not proud of my opinion, okay?) I am a man of principle. It’s important to stick up for what you believe and what I believe is freedom of choice. I have the freedom to do what I want and not […]

The post OP-ED: You wearing a mask actually is infringing on my freedom by making me feel guilty and selfish appeared first on The Beaverton.

Whitby, ON – Local father Winston Brown, who has always insisted his family arrive at Toronto Pearson airport no less than 6 hours before their flight’s scheduled departure time, took a bit of pleasure in noticing his moment has arrived. “The kids always make fun of me,” said Brown as his family entered hour 3 […]

The post Dad who always insists his family get to the airport six hours early grateful his time has come appeared first on The Beaverton.

HAMILTON, ON – According to a new study from McMaster University, half of all home exercise is begging the family dog to leave you alone while you still have the will to move.  One participant, Andrew McPatrick, confirms the findings, “When I do my workouts, I like to be at home, close to my family and […]

The post STUDY: 50% of home workouts spent telling dog to go lie down appeared first on The Beaverton.

EDMONTON – According to local sources in an Edmonton suburb, every garage sale being held this year has contained piles of near mint condition podcasting equipment. “I’ve been hoping to score some discount power tools, or maybe a nice end table,” said Simon Hurst. “But it’s all cheap microphones and pop filters as far as […]

The post Every garage sale in neighbourhood full of lightly used podcasting equipment appeared first on The Beaverton.